Going back to...FOR ME......

As I explained in the earlier entry, Clay would not involve himself in our children's life...

This I recognized very early in our relationship.

However, being raised without either parents made me determined to make this work.

My children weren't going to be without either parents.

I'm a senior again....LOL

This time though...I'm going to graduate.

I know I didn't complete school with my first!

Sigh....It was plenty tough....Raising a baby....getting both of us prepared...leaving out at 5am to travel via public transportation to the greater northeast, just to return to my neighborhood school and be there on time at 7:45am....((smiling))...I Did it!

So why are you repeating your senior year?

I dropped out of high school in the month of April. Just 2 1/2 months shy from graduating.

I am student...

I am mother...

I am in a selfish relationship...

I am pregnant again...

I am tired!

Well, the baby is here.

he says.."you just need to get your GED!"

I want my high school diploma.

sidebar*****I was a honor roll student and attended the magnetic program within my high school*****

He stated...."I'm not going to babysit, my work in more important then your education, I've been in this field for almost fifteen years."

What about me?

What about what I want in life?

Sure, I am a young mother of two and in a relationship.

He told me that he loves me.

I want to finish school.

I fell under deep depression...some may call it, postpartum depression.

I love my children, I want the best for them, I want to make my husband happy, I want us to raise our family together!

I believed I was unsuccessful.

I felt I was a disappointment to my children, my husband and myself.

I loathed this feeling..

I wanted to bring my pain to an end.

I did re-enroll in high school to complete my senior year.

This time, I am a senior with two children.

AND...

Again, this meant, I was tackling motherhood, marriage, and education.

I couldn't afford childcare expenses.

Clay, say he wasn't going to pay the cost.

This meant, I had to resort to others to help me...NOT my husband.

I found care for them, however, in two different locations.

The oldest stayed in an area called Nice town and my youngest in Logan.

Neither areas were near where we resided.

So again, I traveled via public transportation to drop off my children to their care providers so that I may complete my last year of school.

sidebar*****Clay, had an automobile*****

My children don't know this....

We resided near a highway over path.

Walking distance, hmmmmmmmmmm...it's about a seven minute walk.

It was a wintry night..

Clay doing the usual, hanging out with the guys at the local go-go spots.

My depression had manifested itself into a physical pain.

The knot formed first in my throat and traveled to the inside of my stomach...

The knot had become so intense...I couldn't stand up straight.

The pain medicine would rid the demon out of me.

It became unbearable!

I wanted to rid it...

I didn't know what else to do...

Pray to God!

At this time, I believed in no God...

How could he allow me so much pain at such an early life.

There can't be a God.

And I, can't take this life of pain, no more.

I walked...me and my two children to the highway over path.

They were so sweet, so trusting, so in love with their mommy.

And we walked!

Me and my Sweets....walked in the wintry night.

We arrived...

((tears))

We climbed over the rail...

((more tears))

They had so much trust in me.....((tears))

I had both in my arms....kissing and expressing my love, my back supported to the bridge railings.

I'm ready to end this life of pain.

Someone, no, something whispered in my ear....the left one to be exact.

It was the sweetest sound I've ever heard.

I was told.................................................................If not for you....then for your children.....................

That was the greatest gift...

I adopted the voice as my Guardian Angel.

He/She has giving me a will to fight and stay alive.

Live, Love, Protect, Educate, Nurture, MY CHILDREN.

He calls himself.....Mr. BEAST

Well...he told his daughters...."I'm not Dad....call me Mr. Beast"..........

Mr. Beast....he calls himself...(hissing teeth)..well I guess it fits...I've always referred to him as The Monkey..when his heartless behavior seeps deeply within the walls of his veins to then escapes his pores...Watch out!

Two days ago, the children and I witnessed The Monkey...

sidebar*****Clay and I are divorced since May 6, 2007*****

He refuses to pay child support for our children.

anyways,

September 2, 2008, I received a telephone call from Clay.

Hello Judy..

Yes?

Are you taking the children to their practice?

I am

I have some monies for the children to help with their back to school supplies.

Oh, okay..thank you.

I then expressed the conversation with the children...

Off to practice we go.

I'm a little embarrassed to say this...

why?

I expected to much from him...when I should have known better.

We arrived...and Clay handed me forty dollars with a serious face....LOL

(mild toned)...Clay, what do you expect me to do with forty dollars...we have four children in school.

Well that is when The Monkey showed his ugly face....

why?

Our oldest daughter went and asked for an additional twenty dollars.

and explosive he became.....

Spitting vulgar ignorance..

Judy..this...Judy...that...

Dad...Please stop...

Dad...(children screaming)..

and that's when The Monkey became known to us by another name...

"I'm not Dad....call me Mr. Beast!"

For Me...

What do you mean...he never had time for anyone but you?

Just that...Clay, never got involved in the raising...and/or.....nurturing of our children.

So, my role was/is...to be both mommy and daddy.

I enjoyed all of it...the best thing I ever had in life was/are my children. I only wish I could have given them a better father.

We think back...my heart smiles....They needed me a much as I them.

We did everything together....((laughing))....everything...from:

Sunday Service

Roller Skating

Ice Skating

Recreational walks

Dinners

Movies

Weekend Getaways...those where the best!

Football practice

Cheer leading practice

Dance Lessons

School trips

Picnics

Shore visits.....we did it all....and us only...

Clay never had anytime for us......

He did however, have time for the adult entertainment...((sigh)).

It's Hard Work..

Moving forward.........My second child has arrived!

This child also is cherished by me.....I plan to love, cherish, protect, and educate this child just the same as my first...

But my relationship, it was already in trouble....I'm going to hang in there.

My children need both parents.

This will work.

If you work hard for the relationship, anything is possible, Right?

Let me tell you, it truly isn't easy when someone has no respect for you.

Clay, he never respected me as his wife nor mother of his children.

Clay....can you watch the children so i can go to school.

No....I have to work!

But, what about me, I dreams.

My work is more important then your dreams, Judy.

If I don't go to work or have any plans, I'll watch them for you.

See.........................

I realized early, my responsibilities within this marriage.

He being the man, meant................He made all the rules and I had to abide by them.

I alone, parented our children.

I was given a twenty dollars a week allowance.

I couldn't work or go to school, if it interfered with his plans.

He on the other hand.......

He left out the house seven days a week, faithfully at 5:30am.

He hangs out and gets drunk with his friends, seven days a week.

Clay, are you going to church with us?

No, not this weekend.

Can you go with us to the movies?

No.

Can you take us to the beach?

I can't.

Can you go to the birthday party with us?

No, I'm tired.

Would you like to bike ride with us?

No.

Can we go out to dinner tonight?

No money.

He never had time for us...

HE DID, However...

For me!