The Problems

Well I used to blame it on everyone else...Maybe, it was much easier.

But, I'm going to tell you anyway...

So my baby and I moved in with Clay....I'm also two months pregnant again.

I was excited.

My child/children would grow up with a two parent household.

They will experience life differently from my childhood.

How about this....

After the first week of us moving in, Clay had abandoned my child and I.

He just up and left us.

GONE!

No phone call.

No letter...

No explanation...

Nothing!

Gone missing for two weeks.

Where did he go?

Clay had went back to Clark, his ex-wife.

Til this day...I still don't know why.

So two weeks later, Clay decided to come back home...oh, by the way, Clay had moved us into his house.

Without any explanation as to why he just up and left.

He returned with seagrams gin in hand..

Welcome Back!

My Marriage

Well let's just say....it wasn't sweet and tasty..

I learnt what my responsibilities where/are in our marriage.

He was are ruler...and I was the child with the children..((Laughing out loud))..

The children and I were an annoyance..how about and intereferes...Oh...oh....a nuisance, that he couldn't pay to rid of.

Why say that?

Well...

Our marriage started off completely wrong...I was a teenage mom..young and vulnerable..

Vulnerable due to my home with grand mom..We struggled through the years.

Raised without heat, hot water, and a stove..((laughing again))...since i first took residency there..Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining...I know it was the best she could do, due to her financial situation and without any support from either parent.

Being that....

I'm a teenage mom....I wanted better for my child.

I wanted to raise " Proper".

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, RIGHT?

I wanted her to feel the warmth of a home in the winter...to take hot showers.....to prepare her meals on the stove......and for her to be comfortable bringing her friends home.

It's obvious, Fred and I aren't going to be together....He's up at that school carrying on....Sometimes he comes home...most times he didn't.

So I meant my husband, Clay....

Like i said earlier....I knew his family for years...He and Clark had divorced...I never looked at him like, someone I would be with..dang....he's much older than I.

I mean.....When I was thirteen, his first child was born..and by the time i reached fifteen...his second child was born..These two lovely ladies..would eventually become my stepdaughters...

So as I started....he was much older then me.

I don't know what happened...and how we started dating...I was actually attracted to his friend Wayne, who at the time was closer in age...he was only three years older..

But, Wayne didn't ask me out, Clay did.

He watched me put, my child into her father's car on a Friday evening....yup...my baby was leaving me for the weekend..Clay witnessed this event.

Hey Judy....looks like your child has left ..is she gone for the weekend?

YES!

Oh...so, what you going to do?

Just relax.

Well, why don't you let me take you to the movies?

Ummmmm.....alright.

Saturday, we ended up at the movies....and we where together ever since.

We get pregnant...I move in with him...and these began to change.

The new beginning..

From the beginning, I new something wasn't right. But, I'm again with child...I want my children to grow up with two parents....I can make this work.

It wasn't an easy task..

He was an alcoholic and a drug abuser when we first met........NO, I didn't know.

I mean, now thinking back, I can see..before he and I started dating. Clay and his co-workers met on my block every evening after work. Before they left, everyone had an bottle of beer and some Seagram's gin. It was pretty cool...they all seemed to be having fun.

I didn't realize until later, that this was the beginning of our problem.

I know...I jumped the Gun!

I know....I know....I'm jumping ahead some years...but, this i felt need addressing as soon a possible.

How about this, I wanted to try something different...yes, i started relationship a bit backwards...so..i figured, why not...try going into one different..

So,

I explained to this person, who, what I am..and how i got here. My reasons, well, I've been in different relationships with folk...and how about, i expressed to them the internal pain..that I suffer. Does that matter?

NO!

Am I still judged the same way...

YES!

Do I want things to be different?

I thought.....

I figured, when I liked someone...be honest about who I am...

As usual....I often get hurt..

Is this my punishment...

I guess..

I won't really understand my purpose until the day I meet my maker...

Until then....PAIN..PAIN...AND MORE PAIN!

LOVE?

I NEVER MENTIONED LOVE, DID I?
To be honest, I never thought about the question.

I loved my husband, yes....but, not the proper way one is to love his/her spouse...I loved my husband as a member of my family...the father of my children..the provider and our security...

Now that you understand that...

Married...

Fred and I didn't say "I Do".

I was still very much in love with him..He was a young man, that i could not get out of my system....

But,

I did marry!

On my eighteenth birthday, I met my husband, Clay.

Clay, was nine years older than I.

((Laughing to myself))

I knew Clay all my life.. are families have been entwined over the years...

His first cousin, is my God father and my aunt has children with another one of his cousin...

Like I said...I knew Clay, his wife and children over the years...

At any rate,

After Clay's divorce from Clark, Clay and I started dating and I became pregnant with my second child.

The happiness and love that I experienced with my first child is beyond measurement. I was thrilled to learn, I was expecting another.

I finally moved out of Grand mom's house and took up residency with Clay.

My second child was born...also a beautiful and precious baby.

I was happy to be a mother.

I loved my children totally.

Something, is wrong with me though

Oh Fred...

I'm still in love with Fred. He and I, even though we aren't getting married, we continued a secret relationship..with the desires of getting together again.

Pregnant?

Yup..

I'm pregnant with my third child....

Fred, he also had a child on the way...his first..

They married while she was seven months pregnant.

Funny, his wife and I gave birth in the month of February actually fourteen days apart.

I was crushed....He's married.

I needed to make a decision. I should marry the father of my two children.

Fred, is happily married and rejoicing over the birth of his first child....at least that's what everyone else sees.

Clay and I got married.

I married Clay for all the wrong reasons.

I wanted my children to grow in a healthy two parent home, something I never had.

I wanted the security of having a husband.

I wanted to feel decent.

I needed to feel complete.

I never mentioned love, did I?

THEN........

My first child was born...

Giving birth was truly a remarkable event filled with emotions of joyfulness, cheerfulness, and devotion.....That day changed my life forever.

A celebration of a new beginning!

They laid my baby on my chest..I began to cry....my baby gave me such a warm feeling in my heart, my FIRST-BORN..

My beautiful baby born to me during my senior year in high school.

During the seventh month of pregnancy, the cute boy and I, after three years had broke up.

But....

I meant Fred, during my senior year...and fell intensely in love..concentrate...this is when it gets a it crazy..

He accepted me and my child without prejudice....it was incredible...I never new i could feel like that for anyone..I mean, I dated Spencer for three years...had a child with him and never felt the type of emotions, Fred had made me feel.

We were the most popular couple of school...could it be because, he was the star football player and I, a member of our cheer leading squad?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....maybe...or was it because everyone could see how much in love we were?

He was my first love....nearing the end of our senior year...Fred, proposed to me....It was so romantic...., Yes! I said YES!

We had we were inseparable....

Or so i thought.

I attended Community College, it was much easier for me with my child. Fred, he went off to college with a full football scholarship...I was so happy for him.

We where together every weekend, when he first left.

And then.....

It went to every other weekend.

And then....

Once month.

What's wrong with this picture?

We're in love...

We're a family....

We were to marry in eight months.....

Hmmmmmmm

We never married..

Moving Along...

In my junior high school years, I often wished to be invisible.

It was during this time...that I started to notice the boys, even thought some were attractive. However, they didn't notice me....the same way....(smiling)...I was such a tomboy....sure...we played great together....

Why not, I could run as fast as them....climb trees......hideout under the cars.....venture through the woods....skipped rocks at the creek...I would even played football.

So, why didn't they see me the same way I saw them.......((laughing))..yeah right...you know why.

I hadn't even started puberty until I was fourteen...Yes! Not even a breast development......imagine that...only 4ft'6" in height and weighing 89lbs...with my two famous cornrows...((laughing))..would you notice me,when everyone else has begun to blossom?

So as it was, I stayed invisible the entire time through out my junior high school years.

NOW....High School.....Whoa......by the tenth grade...I was beginning to love my life...I yearned to be apart of things that caught my interest....from my studies in horticulture to the in clicks.

The boys....wow...the boys they started to recognize me.......it's about time!

In the month of October, in my ninth grade year...um.....just before my birthday.... I'm sitting in my American History class.......this boy, OM Gosh....he's one of the most popular guys in school.....well, he slipped me an envelope..A birthday card.....Wow! I can't believe it....a guy...a card...I'm getting attention...someone likes me.....hearted beating...hands clammy...and tongue tied..I didn't know what to say....Anyway, I opened the card........read the note and remember it stating.....here's my number, call me anytime....I could have screamed.......Someone honestly saw me.....I'm no longer invisible....

Did you ask, if I liked him....

Sure I did..

I thought he was CUTE..

He had STYLE..always wore a baseball cap coordinated with his clothing..

Had a CAR..

And HE WAS APART OF THE IN CROWD!

What else is there to like?

Taking you back some....in a previous entry, I stated, I was a victim of abuse...Oh, you thought, I was only the victim of abuse through someone else's hand...

NOPE!

Not always..This was the beginning of my self abuse.

You see, again, I realized as an adult, what I've become...

So..

I began a relationship with the young man...he and I dated for three years. I enjoyed my new life...stylish clothing....being apart of a group....and having someone show interest in me

It all came with a price.

It came...the do or die moment in my life...

I lost my mental virginity in the eleventh grade.

Wasn't ready....wasn't interest...but, he consistently over the years spoke about it....I was afraid, if I didn't give in....I would loose so much more....((I'm embarrassed to say this....but, it was...what it was))..yes, I fell under peer pressure...Today, I've forgiven myself.

Growing....

In life everyone suffers from growing pains...

They help to define us.

My childhood, did exactly that.

It brought about Judy Jackson.

Judy was the complete opposite of who i was/am.

you see, i am..

Warmhearted
Fun
Loving
I have a huge sense of wit
I believe smiles and laughter is the secret to enjoy life to the fullest
I’m easy to chat with
Forgiving
I has ethics and value
I like to treat folk the way I would like to be treated

Affectionate
Friendly
Intelligent

and...............

A virgin

Like i said, Judy was the complete opposite...she on the other hand was...

Defensive
Boring
Cold
Unimportant
Insignificant
Reserved
Shameless
Loose

and...........

Promiscuous.

Because.......

I am a mother of six children, one grandchild and one on the way, in less then three months....I would do completely anything in my might to safeguard my children.. I mean anything....It's both my satisfaction and duty....I always thought, this was or should be the case for most mothers and fathers, correct?

The fortunate part for my children, I live my life to love, educate, and protect them..

What is unfortunate....

This wasn't the case in my childhood.

So my mother sent G and I to grand mom's house to live...

I told you the reasons why in the last entry...

But,

That wasn't the case.

Grand mom, allowed my uncle (who is no kin to her) to come and go through her door anytime he wanted...

Do you understand what i just said?

She allowed my rapist, my uncle, to come and go as he pleased.

What about me?

Why would she allow this to happen?

Why didn't she give me what all grandmother's are suppose to?

Where was mine grandmother who offers;

Care
Warmth
Peace
Love
Fairness
Sweetness
Patience
Spunk
Support
Forgiveness
Compassion
healing touch
wisdom
and security?

No....

Once i took residency at grand mom's, the rape had ceased...he no longer touched me....

Knowing what happened to me....knowing how he used me.....knowing how my innocence was stolen....i grew up as a protector...i felt the need to watch his every move over the years...protecting all my little cousins..threatening him with evil glares....uttering belligerent words...expressing to him, I'll kill you if you touch one of these girls....this is how i grew through the years..in grand mom's house.

Why wonder

Your probably asking yourself...why would i ask that question....does my Grandmother love me..

First,

I'm not bashing her...i appreciate all that she has given to me....

We...my brother and I could have ended up in a foster home...raised without knowing our family..

My concern, well...my mother made a decision to place my brother and I into our grandmothers care...

WHY?

Why do you think she (mommy) sent us there?

My mom sent us to grand mom's house for security....placing us within healing hands..sending us to someone who shows compassion....one who was patient...one who was full of wisdom....sweet and loving....That's Why..

Grand Mom's House...

Grand mom's house was just around the corner from mommy's home....

If my mommy was in her backyard, i could see her from grand mom's front porch..

Every night, we cried for our mother..we wanted badly to be with her..

She was an excellent mother..

I don't blame her for what happened to me..

I feel guilt, for what has become of her...Mommy was a happy, vibrate, loving, intelligent, playful, ambitious woman...

Now, we don't have a close relationship with her...

G and I are constant reminders of her failed past....She, til this day, still can't handle seeing us..

We grew up with grand mom.

I loved my grandmother...I still love her...I've always wondered thou, how much did/does she love me.....

How would you describe your Grand mom....

Tell me...what comes to mind, when someone mentions, GRAND MOM?

How would you describe your Grand mom..

Would you say:

Caring

Warm

Peaceful

Loving

Fair

Delicate

Great Cook

Chubby

Sweet

Smart

Patient

Organized

Spunky

Supportive

Non Judgmental

Charitable

Forgiving

Compassionate

Blessed with a healing touch

Sweet Spirit

Full of wisdom

Your security?

UNTIL

Now...at the age of seven....i was allowed to have my very first sleepover...

Whoopi..

I'm truly a big girl now....

Her name was Kj....she was my blessing...our friendship changed my life....

a girl playmate...

a best friend....

We went to school everyday together...played in the playground...come home and play some more....she resided in the apartments next to my house.....her apartment complex and my home shared a common walk way...we would cut through the common area to reach each other's place of residence....((smilining))....she was my first best friend...

and as fate has left me....my first and only.

Mom.....can Kj stay over for the weekend...

her mom says its okay...if it's okay with you..

Why not...of course she can stay..

YES!

That night, Kj and I went to my room and played until we were exhausted...Kj slept on my bottom bunk and i on my big girl's top bunk...

Like clock work..my uncle's shadow of him and the folded chair, reached my bedroom door before first....i was prepared...it's what I'm used to...No...i didn't cry....just wanted it over so i may go to sleep...i hated when he wakes me up..I'd rather wait up for him..and then go to sleep..

WOW!

I got a break...i was able to sleep..my uncle didn't use his chair for me tonight...he stayed on the bottom bunk with Kj...i was pleased....i slept peaceful for the first time in my life...

Great Rest!

The next morning...

Mom, where is Kj.....where is she...i can't find her anywhere....

Judy, she went home late last night....is there anything you want to tell me?

NO...Is something wrong?

YES...

WHAT?

Kj, left the house running late last night..her mother called and said that Maury (my uncle) had rapped her...

Does Maury touch you?

Does Maury touch you in your private areas?

Yes, mom....all the time..

How does he touch you Judy?

He uses his mouth and his toy to put me to sleep..

Mommy, my stepfather touches me too...he tells me he wants me to be a good girl...He would separate my brother and I with his paddle....Judy, go to the bathroom....you've been bad...your going to be taught how to be a good girl...in the bathroom, my stepfather, would put himself inside of me, while bended over the toilet...i was made to cry loud so G would become a good boy too..

My Mommy, she went crazy hearing this....she tried to kill her brother..she went after his tail with every and anything she could get her hands on....

But,

Now, I've lost her totally....she was unable to handle reality since that day....

My brother, G and I, had to move with our paternal grandmother....Mommy, was institutionalized....and now to current date classified as a paranoid schizophrenic.

The new bedroom

My new bedroom consisted of; bunk bed, toy box, very own closet, nightstand, and a lamp. Of course, i slept on the top bunk...why? because, I'm exercising my big girl rights...

These started out to be peaceful nights...

As i remember, the first of many visits to my room...my uncle's shadow with folded chair in arm, would reach my doorway first...it began with fondling...gropping....rubbing....kissing...

thinking back on this and trying to described the events makes me nauseated....

but, i choose to get through this. Like i said...it started with those things..

WHAT??

Of course, i didn't like it....and no, i didn't know it was wrong...i never spoke of my nightly visits from my uncle to anyone.

When the molestation started...i believe, he was sixteen..when he began to penetrate me....i believe he was seventeen.

I know...(sighing)..I remember the first night very well....it was very painful and disgusting.

He teared into me and poured white gue inside of me....

i hate it....

don't put that in me....

i don't like how that feels...

get that gue off me....

STOP!!

He never listened..............................................................................

Sadly to say...this happened to me for five more years, i recall almost on a nightly basis.

It All Began...

Our home consisted of, mom, dad, younger brother and myself. My mother had me at the age of fifteen years old, while my father was nineteen. They married when i was one year old. My younger brother G, and I are eleven months apart. Every year of our lives, we share an age for exactly thirty days. It's funny....during this time, we consider ourselves to be twins. When G was born, he and i shared the same bedroom until i turned two. I'm a big girl now! Yup, i moved into my very own bedroom....just next door to my baby brother's. I remember this being an awesome time for me....being able to spread my toys. Tell me, what child wouldn't be excited? Good things come to an end, right?

At the young age of.....

At the young age of two years old....Judy, began her existence. It's only as an adult that i realize who, why, and what she was to me.

You see, I lived a life of abuse....and I couldn't understand nor cope with idea of someone, something or at times even myself being abused.

My story is this, share, tell, and heal..Sure i realize some of you folks will get lost....please understand, as i do appreciate your reading....i need to release myself from Judy Jackson.

SHE....

SHE... began to exist in 1973........

Remembering the Beginning.....

I remember as young child, i....we....my brother and I, were so full of life....

((smiling as i remember))....we were then and still are very close to one another....we learnt how to have fun with literally nothing but paper, rocks, scissors, dirt, crayons, sweatshirts, you name it...we used it...creative minds at play.Paper...((laughing))..well, with this...we did many things...from; paper hats, paper footballs, paper masks and designing our best paper snowflake.
Rocks, were used to challenge how far we could kick them..How about this one...I'm sure many have attempted this in there lifetime..MUD PIES!...sure you have....well, I'm sure those of you who are nearing my age and older has....are you wondering how the sweatshirts fit in...well, lets just say, we tie them around our necks to become our favorite superhero...((smiling))..he was always batman and I wonder woman.....

Those are some of the pleasant memories of my childhood....the ones i cradle in my heart....
and then SHE....

Welcome to my world of chaos....

I understand if at times we loose each other...I'm going to try very hard to keep us all on the same page....

The purpose of this blog, is to free Ms. Jackson from her world of chaos..

I'm sure that their are many who can relate to her...

This is her outlet and eventually her let go!

It's nearing her time to have some peace after the chaos...