Moving Along...

In my junior high school years, I often wished to be invisible.

It was during this time...that I started to notice the boys, even thought some were attractive. However, they didn't notice me....the same way....(smiling)...I was such a tomboy....sure...we played great together....

Why not, I could run as fast as them....climb trees......hideout under the cars.....venture through the woods....skipped rocks at the creek...I would even played football.

So, why didn't they see me the same way I saw them.......((laughing))..yeah right...you know why.

I hadn't even started puberty until I was fourteen...Yes! Not even a breast development......imagine that...only 4ft'6" in height and weighing 89lbs...with my two famous cornrows...((laughing))..would you notice me,when everyone else has begun to blossom?

So as it was, I stayed invisible the entire time through out my junior high school years.

NOW....High School.....Whoa......by the tenth grade...I was beginning to love my life...I yearned to be apart of things that caught my interest....from my studies in horticulture to the in clicks.

The boys....wow...the boys they started to recognize me.......it's about time!

In the month of October, in my ninth grade year...um.....just before my birthday.... I'm sitting in my American History class.......this boy, OM Gosh....he's one of the most popular guys in school.....well, he slipped me an envelope..A birthday card.....Wow! I can't believe it....a guy...a card...I'm getting attention...someone likes me.....hearted beating...hands clammy...and tongue tied..I didn't know what to say....Anyway, I opened the card........read the note and remember it stating.....here's my number, call me anytime....I could have screamed.......Someone honestly saw me.....I'm no longer invisible....

Did you ask, if I liked him....

Sure I did..

I thought he was CUTE..

He had STYLE..always wore a baseball cap coordinated with his clothing..

Had a CAR..

And HE WAS APART OF THE IN CROWD!

What else is there to like?

Taking you back some....in a previous entry, I stated, I was a victim of abuse...Oh, you thought, I was only the victim of abuse through someone else's hand...

NOPE!

Not always..This was the beginning of my self abuse.

You see, again, I realized as an adult, what I've become...

So..

I began a relationship with the young man...he and I dated for three years. I enjoyed my new life...stylish clothing....being apart of a group....and having someone show interest in me

It all came with a price.

It came...the do or die moment in my life...

I lost my mental virginity in the eleventh grade.

Wasn't ready....wasn't interest...but, he consistently over the years spoke about it....I was afraid, if I didn't give in....I would loose so much more....((I'm embarrassed to say this....but, it was...what it was))..yes, I fell under peer pressure...Today, I've forgiven myself.